Gretchen’s Hairball Movie Reviews: What’s in Theaters Now
You found the cat.
Unfortunately, you also found the film critic.
Humans keep calling summer movies “escapes.” This is an odd promise. You pay money to sit in a dark room with strangers, the floor is mysteriously adhesive, and someone three rows back opens candy as if disarming an explosive.
Still, I have reviewed the current theatrical evidence. As of July 15, 2026, these seven films are among the newest wide releases still playing after the July 10–12 U.S. and Canadian box-office weekend. This is not a countdown: the movies are ordered by North American wide theatrical release date, newest first, with same-day releases listed alphabetically. Local showtimes vary because even theaters understand boundaries.
TLDR
- Best in show: The Invite earns just 1 hairball for trapping four complicated humans in one apartment and letting conversation do the damage.
- Surprisingly acceptable: Toy Story 5 earns 2 hairballs for correctly identifying a glowing tablet as a household threat.
- Middle of the litter box: Supergirl and Moana contain capable leads but arrive wrapped in a great deal of franchise machinery.
- Carpet emergency: Evil Dead Burn receives the full 10 hairballs. Relentless brutality is not the same thing as wit.
- The list order is chronological, not qualitative. Each score is an independent review; ties and unused hairball counts are expected.
- On this scale, fewer hairballs are better.
The Official Hairball Scale
A score is a reaction, not a slot in the list. Two movies can receive the same score, and no movie is required to occupy a missing number. I am reviewing films, not completing a sticker book.
- 0 hairballs: Flawless. I remained seated after the credits.
- 1–2 hairballs: Very good. Approval has been entered into the record without enthusiasm.
- 3–5 hairballs: Watchable, provided the snacks are competent.
- 6–8 hairballs: Major cleanup. Bring paper towels and lowered expectations.
- 9–10 hairballs: The carpet is lost. Notify management.
Evil Dead Burn — 10 Hairballs
Theatrical release: July 10, 2026.
The sixth Evil Dead film arrives promising extreme demonic brutality. It fulfills the promise with the confidence of a restaurant advertising “now with more forks in the electrical outlet.”
Horror can be funny, inventive, unsettling, or all three. This one reportedly chooses relentless violence and leaves much of the wicked humor outside. Gore is a texture, not a personality.
Also, the survival procedure remains obvious: if the cabin, basement, lake house, ancient book, family reunion, or household appliance appears cursed, leave. Humans insist on staying until the third act and then act surprised when the lamps become hostile.
Gretchen’s verdict:
The title is less a title than a disposal instruction. I recommend applying it to the ticket after leaving the theater.
Rating: 10 hairballs out of 10.
Watch the official teaser from Warner Bros. Pictures · Official film page
Moana — 5 Hairballs
Theatrical release: July 10, 2026.
Disney’s live-action Moana sends Catherine Lagaʻaia’s young voyager beyond the reef with Dwayne Johnson’s Maui to restore prosperity to her people.
If the ocean calls me, I let it go to voicemail.
The songs still have force, the horizon is large, and Moana remains a capable hero surrounded by people who should listen to her sooner. The difficulty is that I remember this adventure from 2016, when everyone involved was attractively animated and the water posed no risk to the upholstery.
Humans have taken a story that was already alive, rebuilt it with living performers, and announced that it is alive now. This is like pouring dinner into a different bowl and waiting for applause.
Gretchen’s verdict:
A sturdy voyage with a brave lead, beautiful scenery, and the lingering sense that I have been asked to admire a very expensive reenactment.
Rating: 5 hairballs out of 10.
Watch the official trailer from Disney · Official film page
The Invite — 1 Hairball
Wide theatrical release: July 10, 2026.
Olivia Wilde directs and stars with Seth Rogen, Penélope Cruz, and Edward Norton in a comedy about a struggling married couple who invite their far more uninhibited upstairs neighbors to dinner.
One apartment. Four adults. A meal. Everyone says too much. At last, a film that respects the dramatic potential of being trapped indoors with people who have ignored several obvious social cues. The tension comes from conversation rather than a blue beam destroying a city.
The cast understands that a pause can be funnier than an explosion. The setup is compact, the discomfort is purposeful, and the evening keeps getting worse in ways I found professionally reassuring.
Gretchen’s verdict:
Smart, contained, and willing to let adults be ridiculous at full volume. I deducted perfection because a soufflé appears and no one offers it to the cat.
Rating: 1 hairball out of 10.
Watch the official trailer from A24 · Official film page
Young Washington — 6 Hairballs
Theatrical release: July 3, 2026.
Before George Washington became the Father of a Nation, this historical drama presents him as a young soldier whose mistake helps pull him into a wider conflict and forces questions about honor, loyalty, courage, and the man he will become.
It is healthy to remember that famous portraits were once badly supervised young humans making decisions outdoors. History becomes much tidier after the painter arrives.
The film gives its subject mud, danger, moral weight, and a full set of lessons that future generations can pretend they would have learned faster. It is deeply committed to making everyone stand in the weather while discussing destiny.
Gretchen’s verdict:
Educational, sincere, and short on upholstered furniture. I respect the attempt to examine the man before the monument. I would simply prefer to examine him from a warm windowsill.
Rating: 6 hairballs out of 10.
Watch the official trailer from Angel Studios and Wonder Project · Official film page
Minions & Monsters — 7 Hairballs
Theatrical release: July 1, 2026.
In this animated outing, the Minions head into 1920s Hollywood and search for monsters to cast in their own monster movie.
This is a movie about small yellow creatures making a movie about monsters, inside a franchise that has already produced enough noise to be detected by migrating birds.
Old Hollywood is a clever playground. The monster-movie idea provides visual invention. Children will laugh because the Minions communicate like a vacuum cleaner swallowed a ringtone, and children have not yet developed proper workplace standards.
Gretchen’s verdict:
Bright, busy, and completely unwilling to use an indoor voice. The monsters are not the frightening part.
Rating: 7 hairballs out of 10.
Watch the official final trailer from Universal Pictures · Official videos page
Supergirl — 4 Hairballs
Theatrical release: June 26, 2026.
Milly Alcock’s Kara Zor-El joins an unlikely companion on an interstellar trip involving vengeance, justice, and the usual number of planets that apparently cannot manage their own affairs.
I approve of flight, blunt confidence, and treating authority as a suggestion. A cape is also just a portable blanket with excellent branding. Kara has the correct amount of edge for someone who has spent years being compared with a male relative.
The problem is not Supergirl. The problem is the large, humming franchise apparatus around her, forever pointing toward the next cameo, connection, universe, chapter, phase, and commemorative cup.
Gretchen’s verdict:
Rating: 4 hairballs out of 10.
Watch the official trailer from Warner Bros. Pictures · Official trailer page
Toy Story 5 — 2 Hairballs
Theatrical release: June 19, 2026.
The toys are threatened by Lilypad, a new tablet that arrives with ideas about what is best for Bonnie. Disney calls this “Toy meets Tech.” I call it a documentary about every household since 2010.
A flat glowing rectangle enters the room and immediately steals everyone’s attention from the living beings and interesting objects already present. Cats have been warning you about this for years, usually by sitting directly on the rectangle.
A fifth visit with the same toy box should feel like a mandatory quarterly meeting, but the idea has real teeth. Jessie gets room to lead, and the toys finally confront the machine that replaced playtime.
Gretchen’s verdict:
Unexpectedly relevant. The conflict could have been resolved sooner if anyone had simply pushed the tablet off the table, but humans continue to resist proven methods.
Rating: 2 hairballs out of 10.
Watch the official trailer from Disney and Pixar · Official film page
The Final Cleanup
The winner is The Invite, which proves that four talented humans and one uncomfortable dinner can be more dangerous than an army of digital creatures.
Toy Story 5 may remain in the house under supervision. Supergirl and Moana are permitted on the furniture after wiping their paws. Young Washington may finish the history assignment. The Minions must lower their voices. Evil Dead Burn can wait on the porch.
Your Cat Corner assignment is simple: which film did I judge most unfairly, and how many hairballs would you give it? Submit one title and one number. Speeches will be ignored.
Meeting adjourned. The house lights are up, and I can now see what your shoes have done to the carpet.
— Gretchen Michaels
Cat Corner Editor-in-Chief